Mania Magic

I liked my life much better when I was experiencing a bit of mania. Not full-blown mania but a milder mania. I had hopes and dreams. I believed in myself. I worked towards accomplishing my goals. As time goes by the healthier, I am mentally, the less exciting life is. I just go to work daily, workout, watch TV, shop, repeat. I don’t write as much. I have little inspiration. I don’t think about changing the world like I used to. I don’t feel like my life has any real meaning. I’m just coasting through life with no goals, no real direction, no purpose. I don’t know how people live this way. Maybe they have jobs they love so they don’t need to work toward anything different. Well, I don’t love my job, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life working for someone. My goal in 2012 was to never work for anyone again. I did not want a mediocre life, which is what I have now.

When I’m mildly manic I have a more open mind and I feel like a superhero. I feel like I can accomplish anything and change the world. Right now, I just feel stuck in a vicious cycle of mediocrity. All I write about these days are TV shows because all I do in my free time is watch TV. I don’t even have anything new to watch so I just watch the same shows repeatedly. I try reading but these authors never get to the point, instead they’ve got to describe the sky and air and all that extra bull. Just tell the story. When I listen to music, I often listen to songs the I played while manic because they help me remember I once had a purpose. There was a time I wanted to change the world by sharing my story.

While on this medication I feel like I’m not my real self. Don’t get me wrong I’m grateful for my sanity, but I’ve got to say being crazy is lots more fun. Unfortunately, it is very reckless and comes with some costly consequences, but I enjoyed life much more. Life was colorful and filled with passion. I could hear messages in music that I can no longer recognize. I once had someone who is a part of me recommend that I listen to Cashmere Cat’s 9 album. I didn’t really get it at the time he told me to listen to it but two years later I got it. I could hear all the messages in the music.

I had a major psychotic episode in 2015 but by 2017 I was mentally stable, however without being manic I received lots of messages from the Universe that year. I don’t get those messages anymore. I don’t know if it’s because I lost my muse or if I’m just in a different state of mind. Either way I don’t like it. By the end of 2017 I had finished the first draft of my book. That was a good year. I didn’t have anything and I lived with my mom but creatively I was right where I wanted to be. I had my Muse and that made all the difference in the world.