Twilight

I’ve been watching Twilight, A LOT, multiple times and it made me think of my one true love. I pretend I have forgotten what that love was like, but I haven’t. I think of it daily. I try to push my thoughts to the side but there are times they persist. I allowed myself to think of that love freely today. I’ve tried dating others but I’m not reckless right now, so I make wise decisions for the most part. I thought I found someone who I might give a shot but then he wrote his whole life story before I could say how was your day. Not a good sign.

I stopped writing about my one true love because I didn’t want to be judged. I didn’t want people to think why can’t she just get over it. But I wrote this as if no one would read it.

I still believe he’s my twin soul because it’s the only thing that makes sense. If he’s not, why can’t I release him completely. Why do intense romantic relationships like in Twilight make me think of him? Not that I think he was a vampire, clearly, he was quite the opposite, but Edward’s intensity reminds me of him. It’s been nearly twenty years, yet I still feel the intensity of that love.

I wish I could be a part of his life now just as a friend, but I know that’s not possible. I feel incomplete, hollow, starved, unfulfilled. He was my purpose, my joy, my everything and I will never forget. Just one word from him would turn it all around, but I know it will never happen. Often, I picture him showing up at a book signing and me just freezing stuck in time never wanting the moment to end. He gave me a sense of purpose, now I just exist. I would never disrupt his life, which is why I haven’t tried to contact him. I can’t handle the rejection.

I had to request a copy of our marriage certificate since I never changed my last name back to Hill to get my Real ID. Just seeing his signature on that marriage certificate brought it all back. I know it was almost twenty years ago, but it broke my heart. I don’t cry anymore because I’ve accepted his choices, and I just want him to be well. I wish we’d met later in life. I wish I never called that Kingdom Hall. It would have been nice to come back together in the Universe’s time instead of my time. I don’t write as much anymore because he was my muse. He gave me a story to tell. He always encouraged me and with him in my life I felt invincible. He was my superpower, my reason for living.