Dreams Look Irrational

My mother told me my book will never be published. I don’t understand telling anyone that, especially your own daughter. What does that mean exactly? Since she has decided my book will never be published, should I stop refining it and updating my book proposal because it’s not getting results? Does this mean I should stop querying agents?

I’m fifty-seven years old. What if I live another twenty or thirty years? Am I supposed to stop putting forth the effort to get a book deal? If I give up, then she’s right—it will never be published. But if I keep going, there’s still a chance.

It has been a long journey that began in June of 2012. The first draft was written in third person because I couldn’t face my own story. I told it as if it weren’t my life because it was too painful.

After my first writing workshop in 2018, I was told it needed to be in first person, so that became the next draft. It was also written in past tense, but after studying #1 New York Times bestselling memoirs written in present tense, I rewrote it again. There were many drafts in between.

People see “writing a book” as one thing. They don’t see the thousands of hours behind it. The nights after work when I opened the laptop anyway. The weekends spent revising chapters instead of relaxing. The moments I realized entire sections had to be rewritten from scratch. They don’t see how exhausting it can be to keep believing in something no one else can fully see yet.

My biggest supporter is my sister Darlene. She truly believes I’m a writer and that this is a story capable of changing lives.

When I first began working with my editor, Harriet, she over-trimmed and stripped my voice right off the page. Darlene pushed back and encouraged me to take a second look at those edits. She was right. I added my voice back to the pages.

I’m being strategic now. I’m refining the latest draft, which means updating the chapter outline in my proposal, but once that’s complete the proposal will finally be ready to go.

I’m still working with Harriet—not only on editing, but also on marketing. She now understands how important it is to retain my voice. Initially, we focused heavily on the first ten pages because that’s what many agents ask for. That’s how the deeper refining process began.

We also have a social media strategy and a full plan to grow my audience.

I feel creative again. Harriet and Darlene have both boosted my confidence and restored my faith in myself.

I will continue to be my biggest fan. I will not allow negativity or disbelief in my abilities to hinder me. You don’t have to believe in me because I believe in myself.

Many ask why I won’t self-publish. The reason is simple: I don’t yet have a massive platform. Without a large audience, I would likely sell very few copies, and my goal is bigger than that. I want this book to reach people. I want it in bookstores. I want the kind of support that gives a memoir the opportunity to truly impact lives.

I also want freedom. I want to eventually leave my job and create a life centered around writing, creativity, and purpose. That dream may sound unrealistic to some people, but I refuse to abandon it simply because the journey is taking longer than expected.

Dreams look irrational to people who have stopped believing in their own.

I still have ambition and drive. I can’t resign myself to simply existing without pursuing the thing that makes me feel most alive. Even before publication, writing this book has already changed me. It forced me to confront parts of myself I spent years trying to outrun. It made me braver, more honest, and more creative.

I know this journey is unconventional and taking longer than I expected, but I refuse to give up on the thing that has given my life meaning for the last fourteen years. One day my book will be published, and when that day comes, I’ll know I earned it because I never stopped believing in myself.